Look at this new picture I got at a second hand store.  I love it.  I stared at it for maybe 10 minutes before I decided if I was really going to buy it or not.  Even though it looks good to me, it makes me a little sad.  For reasons too convoluted to explain in words, (but more likely just something about birds and flocks and feathers - although my interpretation hasn’t much to do with outward appearances)  it reminds me of how lonely I have been these last few years.  Having moved far, far away, I had to make new friends; anyone that I hang out with now is a new friend.  I live too far away to see anyone from my previous life regularly.   Of course that does have advantages as well as disadvantages.

The loneliness I feel here goes in cycles of pain and relief.  There is also resentment.  I feel irrational a lot.  I cannot just plug new people into empty slots, yet sometimes, that is what I need.  The empty spaces have to be filled, and I think that takes years.  

I want to be included and I want to include others.  I want to depend on my new friends and I want to be dependable.  To not have philia here is what I lament.